Sunday, January 28, 2024

A Tale of Time



I. PREFACE

You know, I have no problem being open and vulnerable, even on an online platform where I voluntarily air out sensitive information about my personal life. This is possibly one of my most faulty vices as I know it opens opportunities for people to speak about me in less than kind ways. I fall weak in being an open book to any and everyone and in putting myself on blast. Why do I continue to do this? - Because we’re all only human. We need comfort, and it makes me happy me to provide that for my fellow humans who might be facing the same predicament as myself. 


II. INTRO

As always, I come back to you packing yet another punch. I invite you to dive in with me. 


I would say I’m finally at a place where I’m content with the way my life is unfolding, yet, dysphoric feelings engulf me from time to time. Sitting at my desk, briefly wondering, what is yin without yang? And yang without its yin? It is nothing, for there has to be duality to create a cohesive indivisible whole. What does this mean?, you might be thinking my friend. Well, to be frank, my issue is that I literally have no freaking idea where in the holy tarnation this humorous universe is stowing away my other half. The half that I believe I’ll recognize almost immediately. The half that fills my cup of what is empty and aids in the creation of our dichotomy. His name will be another language I know how to speak, one that lies dormant at this moment. As much as my bandaged heart wants and has actively looked for this epic love, I’ve come at a crossroads. 

 

I used to crave being this co-dependent wife at a young age, being submissive to the family alpha, and caring for ‘him’ who in turn would respect and care for me in his own way as this is what I’ve grown up being exposed to. It’s bittersweet to say that this depiction of what I wanted my life to look like is now but a flame deceased. All senses of mine have heightened, and my lens has drifted from being so narrow and has transformed to where I can see the landscape in its entirety. The soul in me has flourished, and as a surprise to even myself, it craves more. Although the original desire of a picturesque nuclear family still lies deep within the depths of my heart, there is now something more that attracts me. Temporarily, my gaze is elsewhere. 



III. BYPASS


The spirits that watch over me have been pressing the big red repeat button, much like how in the movie Sourcecode, Colter has to keep reliving the same day in the simulation until he finally accomplishes his mission. Similar to Colter, I’ve had my mission assignments for a while now, unfortunately neglecting them due to the distractions that have gotten in the way. It was only until last spring, that an orb of energy jolted me. This energy enticed me into going down the list of tasks, one by one. What I've encountered thus far been nothing short of a blessing. I’ve traveled to places infrequently visited by most, I’ve met people of all kinds, and my view of the world has shifted into what most people I know, do not see or think of on a day to day basis. I try to document what I can to the best of my ability, so I can share with those who I believe will enjoy my adventures, but there are some things to be left to only the self. There's beauty in keeping experiences to oneself. The escapades that you cannot explain, and are only marvelous in being remembered. The feelings you felt that cannot be illustrated through words.. What's the point of the cycle of birth and death without life itself? This is why I must live. I must live more.


-Alone for now-


A voice assures me that I will share adventures later on with “you know who”, but for now, I choose me. I feel liberated to live in my independence. I’m grateful to be alive. For there is a plethora of experiences to unfold and places to see. 


While what I stated directly above is true, I again convey that I am not closed off to romantic love. The hope that it will come to me in this lifetime still lies in my heart. The difference is, I now am satisfied enough to where if it doesn’t come, I will be okay. I feel strong. I have strength. I am okay.


I will live in the moment, because that’s all I have that is guaranteed.   



IV. INNER MONOLOGUE


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My love, do you remember? When I had told you I would work on myself in order to best welcome you? I'm doing it! All by myself. For myself. I hope you're proud of me. Even in the midst of your absence you encourage me. I've shed my shell and left it behind this time. I do not fear anymore because I know there is nothing to be afraid of. The only fear I have left is to be alive and not live. 


I promised that I would find you, and I will, don't worry. We will meet again. This said, I have found a part of you, the part that lives on within my soul, as it has for eternity, because you never really left. Our connection will always be there, it's just a matter of having you in my arms. I feel the peace you've sent my way so that I can be happy for now, and I want to thank you for it. 


Je t'aime, mon chéri.


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V. DENOUMENT


I know the few that are my loyal readers are probably also wondering why this young female keeps annoyingly discussing her love life and why it may seem obsessive. The answer truly is that I love love. This will never not be true for myself, no matter how hurt I’ve been in the past. Ma fi ajmal men el 7obb wel gharam.


Like it or not, believe what you want; the world is never ending. Time is merely a constant on this physical plane, and an illusion in regards to the reality that is eternity. If all we do is exist, we might as well be encompassed by the most powerful thing: love. 




~


I’ll always be thinking about you whoever you are, wherever you are .... and I cannot wait to share all my stories with you..

                     

     Yasmeena.





Unfiltered - Palace of Versailles


VI. INSURANCE

Reader, be proud of where you are in life, I remind both you and myself. The yellow brick road will unveil itself to you when the universe believes you’re ready. If at any point you land on you’re on your deathbed and you’re still single, well…. at least you can’t sue me for the bad advice, but you can try to catch me in the next life :p








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Monday, August 28, 2023

Letter To My Lover..


I. CONCEPT


Have you ever manifested for pain to overcome you? Because the current pain is not sufficient enough, that you desire the need to feel more? 

 

I had quite literally fallen on the floor. At that instant, I felt defeated. I cannot recall the last time I had fallen, possibly since childhood. Thus, I concluded that this was certainly life teasing me. I just sat there, letting these barriers collapse over me, closing in from all angles. They say when it rains it pours; unfortunate for me, it seemed as though "they" weren’t wrong. 

 

Thankfully, a small inkling of mindful contemplation resided in me for a brief moment. I remembered that this is all just a senseless mind game. I am the controller of my own narrative. I have free reign over my perspective. Gratitude is a powerful tool. I can either choose to see life as the infamous “cup half empty” or put in the effort to find my “cup half full”. To utilize perseverance is a display of strength, and to fall at life is an expression of cowardliness. 


II. CLIMAX


Something is blurred. I can’t seem to recognize you. I thought I knew, but I keep messing it up. I get so excited, excited that you may be close. I build up my love for you, but it keeps getting misplaced. Every time I go to uncover your mask, it seems not to be you. Many others mimic you, therefore I feel like I’ve come close, and then I mistakenly give myself up to them. I know nevertheless, that when I really do find you, I will know it is you. There is no mask strong enough for you to be hidden from me. As close as some of these demons prevail in deceiving me and making me believe they are you, I will always uncover the truth. The truth is, I have not found you yet. I know you’re looking for me too. I feel it. There’s a tugging at my heart. Are you in another lifetime? A parallel universe? Am I looking in the wrong place? Should I wait for you to find me? I can wait, but I’m also petrified to lose you again as I feel myself being close to discovering you. My soul remembers you, but sadly I cannot. The magnetism, the energy is there, but it feels like lights bouncing off a mirror that can’t escape to the other side. This body of mine, this “Yasmeena” cannot seem to figure it out. She’s been looking, she’s been trying to help me find you, so that we can unite our two souls into a single spirit once again, but I think you’re hiding unintentionally. I fear the same to be happening to you my love. I fear that others’ masks bombard you, but then I shake myself. I'm jolted into having faith that you’re uncovering their truth as well. 

 

This body is breathing, but I am not. 

 

I’m scared that I am trapped in this lifetime without you…

 


III. RATIONALE


The thing is, I should not look so hard to where I forgo fragments of myself in the process. I’ve exhausted searching for you. You’ve scorched me with all this hide and seek and such games. I’m relentlessly torn as I feel like I want to live for myself and oppositely I feel like I have to live for you. Consequently, what I propose we do in the meantime my love, is that I become better for you. I become the woman that you had before, the soul that encompassed you, the energy that loved you. I will grow in this lifetime just to hopefully find you in the next. I will better myself, but I also won’t stop searching, no matter what timeline or universe. My twin flame, I tell you that you will see a clearer, grander version of me. To love you fully, I must love myself. I used to blame you for leaving me, as we were formerly married as one. Instead, I now thank you, because you’ve given me the opportunity to grow, to let this body and mind flourish. I understand now, as profound as our love may be, sometimes we must part ways in order for our souls to mature over the course of this eternity. You’ve allowed me to appreciate every second of this life sequence, although each experienced alone. 



IV. PASSION


Some people make fun of me for being out of consciousness for hours on end. They ask me how I’m able to remain asleep for so long. 1, 2, occasionally 4pm. Well, my love, the simple truth, is that I’d rather be in the dreamworld than wake up to this reality without you in it. 

 

I fear that you are unable to reach me elsewhere. 

 

I feel your presence, but you’re confined. I will help you. I will find you. I will find you because I miss you. I miss the way your energy makes my energy tingle. I miss your smell, the way you taste. Mostly, I miss the way you complete me. So I will find and unshackle you, and in the process, you will destroy away my chains, the ones holding back the flood of love I possess for you. I’ve been waiting to break free and give everything I have, but you’re missing from me. I will search all the stars in the universe for you. I will find you. Even if it takes all of eternity, even then, I will not stop. We will live several times, we will laugh, we will cry, but most important: we will love. For there is no greater power on this earth. This portal woven by space and time is no match for us. I will grow to surpass this physical illusion to see you again. It is not out of selfishness, but out of necessity that you are mine. For there is no one that will bridge the piece of your mystery except me, and mine; you. 

 

We will embrace each other once more, if not in this lifetime, the next, if not on this plane, then another. You will return to me. In any version of reality, we will find each other, because our love cannot contain itself. It is a vast ocean, where each drop is a memory. I can’t wait to meet you again, for the first time. “I am homesick for a place I am not sure even exists. One where my heart is full. My body loved. And my soul understood.” -Melissa Cox




Love you for always, 

        Love you forever,


                Yasmeena.














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