Sunday, April 14, 2024

Bali - The Place To Be (?)

No. Im tired. I’m so tired. I feel exhausted. Overstimulated. Overworked. I’m burnt out. 

I know what’s wrong. 


Even on vacation, stress eats me…. loneliness eats me. 

A million traveling souls surround me, yet I’m alone. Leaving home is fun, but I’ve realized after just a short week of being gone - entrapped in my thoughts - that I am just filling a void. The void that’s always been there and will not go away. 

They say you come to Bali to find yourself, a very typical cliché, which I’ve found very much true to the truest extent. I’ve solo traveled before, but this is different. This is a place where you’ll find a plethora of souls, all from different walks of life. It’s beautiful here. The green palm trees, waves crashing, intimate dining, temples, the kind people. Nomadic culture here is unlike anywhere else in the world, and for that, I have to agree that there is beauty in the chaos. It’s actually quite comedic how life in Bali is on opposite sides of the spectrum; incredibly calm or incredibly chaotic. Everyday I live both. To be quite frank with you, I’m unsure how to compute my emotions while I’m here. There’s barely any time for anything as the days pass in the blink of an eye. I feel like in a constant state of FOMO, which attributes to the reason why I end up going out even though I promise myself to take the day off and stay home for the night to regroup and recharge. Again, the going out - a way of filling the void. A method of forgetting about all my problems, which just creates more in turn. I tire living this way.

In the instance where I do have a few moments for myself to sit alone, there grows a lack of thought. How can I explain this? My mind is so busy, that it formulates into one giant thought - which is no thought. There is so much to think about that it all becomes one singular cohesive "unthought". I’m so exhausted, that when I’m alone I shut off. Not even because I want to, but because my mental cannot take it anymore. I feel as if I’ve been in Bali for a year. Linear time here does not seem to exist. 

There’s some part of me that no matter who or what the circumstance is, I have to please people. Not because I have to, but because I know what it feels like to be the odd one out, to be left alone in the corner. The black sheep. Ugly duckling. This is why I make a subconscious effort to include other people and “run the show” and make a whole itinerary no matter how tired I am, but I forget that this is at my own expense. These are strangers I’m catering to. Why am I going out of my way? I feel sad. I do so much and I feel like I don’t get much in return other than the satisfaction of making them happy. But when is it my turn to be happy? Who’s catering to me? - Besides the disgusting boys trying to get into my pants when they have 0 chance. *vomits*

I love people, and I love seeing them happy, but sometimes the empath in me goes into overdrive which in turn hurts me. With that said, there are people here that I get along with so well. They are humans that are easy to talk to. They are so accepting, open minded, and fun. I literally go around talking to random people on the streets out of nowhere and the people are so open that the simple conversations end up evolving into long dialogue. Nothing is weird in Bali. You really see it all. That’s the thing here, there are no rules, there’s no judgement, and for that; it really is beautiful. 

So where is the problem then? The problem my friends, is that because it is such a nomadic culture, you lose the friends you make in an instant. I am a super emotional person, thus I get attached easily. It becomes hard for me to be here due to this reason. To take it another level, I feel alone because I am alone. Yes, it’s necessary to do things alone in life and to grow from them, but to be honest with you, I want to love again. I’m ready. I want to travel with someone that I know won’t leave. Someone that doesn’t hesitate to love me. Someone that will be with me in the highs and in the lowest lows. I would like someone of quality because I am quality myself. You may see my social media and think I’m having the time of my life. You may also see my social media and all the parties I go to. It’s funny how everyone brings up the parties and thinks I’m getting drunk everyday. Or that I am always with random guys. The reality is, I can do whatever I want to do here and no one would know, but I don’t…. I don’t because it’s not me. It’s not how I was raised to be. I cannot do anything that doesn’t abide by my morals. I’m simply here, a modern American born Lebanese day3a woman that wants to experience the world, but not get lost in it for the bad. I go out to these parties, and then I walk back alone, at about 10pm as I get bored and tired. Or sad. Or both. I see all these people who think this is what life is about, getting wasted and hooking up, but that’s just not me. I can’t do it - therefore I don’t enjoy my time when I go out. I feel quite cheap when encompassed by this - even though I most certainly am not. All these guys come up to you and you know exactly what they want. It’s a cheap life. My body isn’t for anyone except one person who will respect me. Sexuality is normal here, and to each their own, but I just want to describe the hardship of being here surrounded by all of this when it’s just not for you. 


I feel like I can’t think straight. I can’t even communicate to my loved ones back home because of what’s going on in my head. My thoughts are all over the place. There’s so much information to relay, that I don’t even have the energy to explain anything or talk about any of my experiences. Living here is unexplainable. I’ve been avoidant to those back home that I very much love. It’s like you want to talk to them so very bad, but your energy is sucked out to the point of no return that you go into shutdown mode. I don’t mean any of it on purpose, but it’s just a “consequence” of being here. Eventually something has to give right? 

It’s beautiful, let me tell you. It’s authentic here in Bali. Raw. Organic. I love it here. I love sitting down in a random store on the street with the Indonesian people and talking about what it is that brought me here, their upbringing, religion, etc. You really feel at home in this aspect. Bali reminds me a lot of Lebanon in this way. There are a handful of similarities that I have found here, which is why I love Bali despite the other hardships I am facing and have faced and will most likely continue to face until my time ends here. It’s weird to say, but I believe I was here in a past life. There’s something about this place that feels familiar to which I can't pinpoint. Somehow it feels like home. 

Bali is a bubble outside the real world. I see it as so far away from everything else. I don’t know how to explain it. It’s like in the Disney TV show Zach and Cody when the ship enters the Bermuda Triangle and it’s a completely whole other life. Or like how in Gulliver’s travels, he enters another realm of the world that no one knew existed. Really no matter how hard I try to convey, words don’t explain it. I’m really trying to give you the best idea given my lack of proper articulation on this matter. I’ve never run into a block such as this before, of trying to process my emotions and formulate cohesive thoughts, and for that I apologize. 

To sum up, no matter where I run to in the world, no matter the “fun”, I can never run away from the overarching issue - and that is: having an authentic love. 

your friend,

                    Yasmeena xx


Sunday, January 28, 2024

A Tale of Time


You know, I have no problem being open and vulnerable, even on an online platform where I voluntarily air out sensitive information about my personal life. This is possibly one of my most faulty vices as I know it opens opportunities for people to speak about me in less than kind ways. I fall weak in being an open book to any and everyone and in putting myself on blast. Why do I continue to do this? - Because we’re all only human. We need comfort, and it makes me happy me to provide that for my fellow humans who might be facing the same predicament as myself. 


As always, I come back to you packing yet another punch. I invite you to dive in with me. 

I would say I’m finally at a place where I’m content with the way my life is unfolding, yet, dysphoric feelings engulf me from time to time. Sitting at my desk, briefly wondering, what is yin without yang? And yang without its yin? It is nothing, for there has to be duality to create a cohesive indivisible whole. What does this mean?, you might be thinking my friend. Well, to be frank, my issue is that I literally have no freaking idea where in the holy tarnation this humorous universe is stowing away my other half. The half that I believe I’ll recognize almost immediately. The half that fills my cup of what is empty and aids in the creation of our dichotomy. His name will be another language I know how to speak, one that lies dormant at this moment. As much as my bandaged heart wants and has actively looked for this epic love, I’ve come at a crossroads. 


I used to crave being this co-dependent wife at a young age, being submissive to the family alpha, and caring for ‘him’ who in turn would respect and care for me in his own way as this is what I’ve grown up being exposed to. It’s bittersweet to say that this depiction of what I wanted my life to look like is now but a flame deceased. All senses of mine have heightened, and my lens has drifted from being so narrow and has transformed to where I can see the landscape in its entirety. The soul in me has flourished, and as a surprise to even myself, it craves more. Although the original desire of a picturesque nuclear family still lies deep within the depths of my heart, there is now something more that attracts me. Temporarily, my gaze is elsewhere. 


The spirits that watch over me have been pressing the big red repeat button, much like how in the movie Sourcecode, Colter has to keep reliving the same day in the simulation until he finally accomplishes his mission. Similar to Colter, I’ve had my mission assignments for a while now, unfortunately neglecting them due to the distractions that have gotten in the way. It was only until last spring, that an orb of energy jolted me. This energy enticed me into going down the list of tasks, one by one. What I've encountered thus far been nothing short of a blessing. I’ve traveled to places infrequently visited by most, I’ve met people of all kinds, and my view of the world has shifted into what most people I know, do not see or think of on a day to day basis. I try to document what I can to the best of my ability, so I can share with those who I believe will enjoy my adventures, but there are some things to be left to only the self. There's beauty in keeping experiences to oneself. The escapades that you cannot explain, and are only marvelous in being remembered. The feelings you felt that cannot be illustrated through words.. What's the point of the cycle of birth and death without life itself? This is why I must live. I must live more.

-Alone for now-

A voice assures me that I will share adventures later on with “you know who”, but for now, I choose me. I feel liberated to live in my independence. I’m grateful to be alive. For there is a plethora of experiences to unfold and places to see. 

While what I stated directly above is true, I again convey that I am not closed off to romantic love. The hope that it will come to me in this lifetime still lies in my heart. The difference is, I now am satisfied enough to where if it doesn’t come, I will be okay. I feel strong. I have strength. I am okay.

I will live in the moment, because that’s all I have that is guaranteed.   



My love, do you remember? When I had told you I would work on myself in order to best welcome you? I'm doing it! All by myself. For myself. I hope you're proud of me. Even in the midst of your absence you encourage me. I've shed my shell and left it behind this time. I do not fear anymore because I know there is nothing to be afraid of. The only fear I have left is to be alive and not live. 

I promised that I would find you, and I will, don't worry. We will meet again. This said, I have found a part of you, the part that lives on within my soul, as it has for eternity, because you never really left. Our connection will always be there, it's just a matter of having you in my arms. I feel the peace you've sent my way so that I can be happy for now, and I want to thank you for it. 

Je t'aime, mon chéri.



I know the few that are my loyal readers are probably also wondering why this young female keeps annoyingly discussing her love life and why it may seem obsessive. The answer truly is that I love love. This will never not be true for myself, no matter how hurt I’ve been in the past. Ma fi ajmal men el 7obb wel gharam.

Like it or not, believe what you want; the world is never ending. Time is merely a constant on this physical plane, and an illusion in regards to the reality that is eternity. If all we do is exist, we might as well be encompassed by the most powerful thing: love. 


I’ll always be thinking about you whoever you are, wherever you are .... and I cannot wait to share all my stories with you..



Unfiltered - Palace of Versailles


Reader, be proud of where you are in life, I remind both you and myself. The yellow brick road will unveil itself to you when the universe believes you’re ready. If at any point you land on you’re on your deathbed and you’re still single, well…. at least you can’t sue me for the bad advice, but you can try to catch me in the next life :p

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