Low Battery

I. INTRO

It's in the nights that I feel the safest. When Darkness hugs me, because that’s all I have to hold. I acknowledge, Darkness frightens others, but to me, he is one of my closest friends. 

I get to cry privately in Darkness, without anyone watching, because he protects me with his cape delivered as the absence of light. How loyal he is. Darkness, my one friend I know will always show up for me, every - single - day. I find myself not wanting to sleep at at night, to not wake up alone. I spend a lot of time with Darkness in the nights, and that is why it spawns me grief to wake up in the morning. 

 II. LIFE IN DELUSION

My legs, they shake, filled with anxiousness. I didn’t know I needed you until I didn’t have you any longer. Or am I lying to myself? Maybe I don’t need you, but it could be because I want you. Never had I lied to myself like this. I really played it with composure, but you snuck up on me. How could I let this happen? Again? You are not the You that I saw in the beginning. The You that enticed me, cared for me, and filled my very being with nothing but satisfaction… Instead, you are now one of the you(s) that I have been running away from. You know, the fake “You’s”. There are now many of those “you’s” that have passed through my lifetime thus far, and I know there is a plethora and abundance of them still to come. However, you might have been the closest one to being the genuine “You”, the “You” that I’ve been waiting for this whole time. I can’t blame you, for it is me who is at fault, my brain needs more time to learn how to aid my heart into deciphering who is, and who isn’t, You. My You. The one and only. 

Why would my tears matter? Why could I ever believe that? Not to say that I should manipulate myself into thinking I'm not important enough for someone to tend to me and my tears, but because they themselves are not the ones who should be doing so. For the time being, Darkness will take care of my tears and I, and when You come to me, the real You, Darkness will take a step back, because he knows I won’t be crying anymore when I meet You. The only tears I will have are those of happiness, and that is when Darkness will retire, and Sunshine will come out to introduce herself to me, making me anew. Her warmth will dry my eyes, always. You and I will walk, together, amongst the rays Sunshine provides, and we will laugh and we will love. And we will wave to her, praise her, thanking her for shining bright, so that we can look at each other in the radiance that is the sunlight. 

 III. GRIEF

My God!! Universe! I know you see me, for I am you, a part of you. Please, I beg. End this character development phase for my timeline. Turn the page, close the book, do what you must, but I’ve had enough. Please, don’t use me anymore. I know I can help others find their way, which is why you send them to me, but please, I can do it no longer at my own expense and sanity. I know you see me enduring these trials and hardships, yet you purchase these villains one way tickets into my life. Where is the door so I can nail it shut and hang up a do not disturb sign? My heart needs rest. Hear my plea. Please, please stop placing me in situations where I am but a pawn in others’ lives. Nothing short of a chess piece used for yet another game. I beg you. There is nothing more in my heart than what feels like shattered glass. Every time you deliver another masked figure to me, they step on this glass, turning it into dust, making it impossible to clean up, and leaving nothing but eternal pain to feel.

I’m screaming to you. Oh Universe, I tried. Tried so hard to use logic before allowing this figure to break the barrier and providing them a glimpse into having me. I said no, my brain said no, but as always, the disguise was donned so great that I entered with what was left of my heart, although secretly knowing it would end in pain and anguish. The angel on my right shoulder had told me to push and give it effort, but it’s the devil on the left who stands there laughing at me. A fool. I am left a fool. 

Like a jester, I walk towards the king after my performance - the king, representing the vices in this world, and I bow down, as I am slain yet again. 

IV. BUT WHY NOT ME?

Why am I not allowed to break down into someone’s arms and be loved unconditionally? I don’t recall signing up to Earth for despair and loneliness. 

I will say to each and every masked figure that continues to make his way to me; The beauty of the face will fade, but the beauty of the heart lingers forever. My eyes might fail me from time to time, but my soul will always see right through the masks.

There were so many ways this blogpost could have gone, and I truly wanted to make it conclude on a happy note, but with me, that could never be the case. I am a soul doomed, entrapped in a cycle of searching, and never finding what I’ve been living for as I live in the vessel we call Yasmeena. 

V. BACK TO REALITY

My love, my sweet, sweet man. To comfort myself I must state out loud for my own ears to hear, that you do not exist, and that you exist only in my heart. 

“I choose to love you in silence, for in silence I find no rejection”.       - Rumi 

Yasmeena.

Bali - The Place To Be (?)

No. Im tired. I’m so tired. I feel exhausted. Overstimulated. Overworked. I’m burnt out. 

I know what’s wrong. 

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Even on vacation, stress eats me…. loneliness eats me. 

A million traveling souls surround me, yet I’m alone. Leaving home is fun, but I’ve realized after just a short week of being gone - entrapped in my thoughts - that I am just filling a void. The void that’s always been there and will not go away. 

They say you come to Bali to find yourself, a very typical cliché, which I’ve found very much true to the truest extent. I’ve solo traveled before, but this is different. This is a place where you’ll find a plethora of souls, all from different walks of life. It’s beautiful here. The green palm trees, waves crashing, intimate dining, temples, the kind people. Nomadic culture here is unlike anywhere else in the world, and for that, I have to agree that there is beauty in the chaos. It’s actually quite comedic how life in Bali is on opposite sides of the spectrum; incredibly calm or incredibly chaotic. Everyday I live both. To be quite frank with you, I’m unsure how to compute my emotions while I’m here. There’s barely any time for anything as the days pass in the blink of an eye. I feel like in a constant state of FOMO, which attributes to the reason why I end up going out even though I promise myself to take the day off and stay home for the night to regroup and recharge. Again, the going out - a way of filling the void. A method of forgetting about all my problems, which just creates more in turn. I tire living this way.

In the instance where I do have a few moments for myself to sit alone, there grows a lack of thought. How can I explain this? My mind is so busy, that it formulates into one giant thought - which is no thought. There is so much to think about that it all becomes one singular cohesive "unthought". I’m so exhausted, that when I’m alone I shut off. Not even because I want to, but because my mental cannot take it anymore. I feel as if I’ve been in Bali for a year. Linear time here does not seem to exist. 

There’s some part of me that no matter who or what the circumstance is, I have to please people. Not because I have to, but because I know what it feels like to be the odd one out, to be left alone in the corner. The black sheep. Ugly duckling. This is why I make a subconscious effort to include other people and “run the show” and make a whole itinerary no matter how tired I am, but I forget that this is at my own expense. These are strangers I’m catering to. Why am I going out of my way? I feel sad. I do so much and I feel like I don’t get much in return other than the satisfaction of making them happy. But when is it my turn to be happy? Who’s catering to me? - Besides the disgusting boys trying to get into my pants when they have 0 chance. *vomits*

I love people, and I love seeing them happy, but sometimes the empath in me goes into overdrive which in turn hurts me. With that said, there are people here that I get along with so well. They are humans that are easy to talk to. They are so accepting, open minded, and fun. I literally go around talking to random people on the streets out of nowhere and the people are so open that the simple conversations end up evolving into long dialogue. Nothing is weird in Bali. You really see it all. That’s the thing here, there are no rules, there’s no judgement, and for that; it really is beautiful. 

So where is the problem then? The problem my friends, is that because it is such a nomadic culture, you lose the friends you make in an instant. I am a super emotional person, thus I get attached easily. It becomes hard for me to be here due to this reason. To take it another level, I feel alone because I am alone. Yes, it’s necessary to do things alone in life and to grow from them, but to be honest with you, I want to love again. I’m ready. I want to travel with someone that I know won’t leave. Someone that doesn’t hesitate to love me. Someone that will be with me in the highs and in the lowest lows. I would like someone of quality because I am quality myself. You may see my social media and think I’m having the time of my life. You may also see my social media and all the parties I go to. It’s funny how everyone brings up the parties and thinks I’m getting drunk everyday. Or that I am always with random guys. The reality is, I can do whatever I want to do here and no one would know, but I don’t…. I don’t because it’s not me. It’s not how I was raised to be. I cannot do anything that doesn’t abide by my morals. I’m simply here, a modern American born Lebanese day3a woman that wants to experience the world, but not get lost in it for the bad. I go out to these parties, and then I walk back alone, at about 10pm as I get bored and tired. Or sad. Or both. I see all these people who think this is what life is about, getting wasted and hooking up, but that’s just not me. I can’t do it - therefore I don’t enjoy my time when I go out. I feel quite cheap when encompassed by this - even though I most certainly am not. All these guys come up to you and you know exactly what they want. It’s a cheap life. My body isn’t for anyone except one person who will respect me. Sexuality is normal here, and to each their own, but I just want to describe the hardship of being here surrounded by all of this when it’s just not for you. 

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I feel like I can’t think straight. I can’t even communicate to my loved ones back home because of what’s going on in my head. My thoughts are all over the place. There’s so much information to relay, that I don’t even have the energy to explain anything or talk about any of my experiences. Living here is unexplainable. I’ve been avoidant to those back home that I very much love. It’s like you want to talk to them so very bad, but your energy is sucked out to the point of no return that you go into shutdown mode. I don’t mean any of it on purpose, but it’s just a “consequence” of being here. Eventually something has to give right? 

It’s beautiful, let me tell you. It’s authentic here in Bali. Raw. Organic. I love it here. I love sitting down in a random store on the street with the Indonesian people and talking about what it is that brought me here, their upbringing, religion, etc. You really feel at home in this aspect. Bali reminds me a lot of Lebanon in this way. There are a handful of similarities that I have found here, which is why I love Bali despite the other hardships I am facing and have faced and will most likely continue to face until my time ends here. It’s weird to say, but I believe I was here in a past life. There’s something about this place that feels familiar to which I can't pinpoint. Somehow it feels like home. 

Bali is a bubble outside the real world. I see it as so far away from everything else. I don’t know how to explain it. It’s like in the Disney TV show Zach and Cody when the ship enters the Bermuda Triangle and it’s a completely whole other life. Or like how in Gulliver’s travels, he enters another realm of the world that no one knew existed. Really no matter how hard I try to convey, words don’t explain it. I’m really trying to give you the best idea given my lack of proper articulation on this matter. I’ve never run into a block such as this before, of trying to process my emotions and formulate cohesive thoughts, and for that I apologize. 

To sum up, no matter where I run to in the world, no matter the “fun”, I can never run away from the overarching issue - and that is: having an authentic love. 

your friend,

                    Yasmeena xx