I know what’s wrong.
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Even on vacation, stress eats me…. loneliness eats me.
A million traveling souls surround me, yet I’m alone. Leaving home is fun, but I’ve realized after just a short week of being gone - entrapped in my thoughts - that I am just filling a void. The void that’s always been there and will not go away.
They say you come to Bali to find yourself, a very typical cliché, which I’ve found very much true to the truest extent. I’ve solo traveled before, but this is different. This is a place where you’ll find a plethora of souls, all from different walks of life. It’s beautiful here. The green palm trees, waves crashing, intimate dining, temples, the kind people. Nomadic culture here is unlike anywhere else in the world, and for that, I have to agree that there is beauty in the chaos. It’s actually quite comedic how life in Bali is on opposite sides of the spectrum; incredibly calm or incredibly chaotic. Everyday I live both. To be quite frank with you, I’m unsure how to compute my emotions while I’m here. There’s barely any time for anything as the days pass in the blink of an eye. I feel like in a constant state of FOMO, which attributes to the reason why I end up going out even though I promise myself to take the day off and stay home for the night to regroup and recharge. Again, the going out - a way of filling the void. A method of forgetting about all my problems, which just creates more in turn. I tire living this way.
In the instance where I do have a few moments for myself to sit alone, there grows a lack of thought. How can I explain this? My mind is so busy, that it formulates into one giant thought - which is no thought. There is so much to think about that it all becomes one singular cohesive "unthought". I’m so exhausted, that when I’m alone I shut off. Not even because I want to, but because my mental cannot take it anymore. I feel as if I’ve been in Bali for a year. Linear time here does not seem to exist.
There’s some part of me that no matter who or what the circumstance is, I have to please people. Not because I have to, but because I know what it feels like to be the odd one out, to be left alone in the corner. The black sheep. Ugly duckling. This is why I make a subconscious effort to include other people and “run the show” and make a whole itinerary no matter how tired I am, but I forget that this is at my own expense. These are strangers I’m catering to. Why am I going out of my way? I feel sad. I do so much and I feel like I don’t get much in return other than the satisfaction of making them happy. But when is it my turn to be happy? Who’s catering to me? - Besides the disgusting boys trying to get into my pants when they have 0 chance. *vomits*
I love people, and I love seeing them happy, but sometimes the empath in me goes into overdrive which in turn hurts me. With that said, there are people here that I get along with so well. They are humans that are easy to talk to. They are so accepting, open minded, and fun. I literally go around talking to random people on the streets out of nowhere and the people are so open that the simple conversations end up evolving into long dialogue. Nothing is weird in Bali. You really see it all. That’s the thing here, there are no rules, there’s no judgement, and for that; it really is beautiful.
So where is the problem then? The problem my friends, is that because it is such a nomadic culture, you lose the friends you make in an instant. I am a super emotional person, thus I get attached easily. It becomes hard for me to be here due to this reason. To take it another level, I feel alone because I am alone. Yes, it’s necessary to do things alone in life and to grow from them, but to be honest with you, I want to love again. I’m ready. I want to travel with someone that I know won’t leave. Someone that doesn’t hesitate to love me. Someone that will be with me in the highs and in the lowest lows. I would like someone of quality because I am quality myself. You may see my social media and think I’m having the time of my life. You may also see my social media and all the parties I go to. It’s funny how everyone brings up the parties and thinks I’m getting drunk everyday. Or that I am always with random guys. The reality is, I can do whatever I want to do here and no one would know, but I don’t…. I don’t because it’s not me. It’s not how I was raised to be. I cannot do anything that doesn’t abide by my morals. I’m simply here, a modern American born Lebanese day3a woman that wants to experience the world, but not get lost in it for the bad. I go out to these parties, and then I walk back alone, at about 10pm as I get bored and tired. Or sad. Or both. I see all these people who think this is what life is about, getting wasted and hooking up, but that’s just not me. I can’t do it - therefore I don’t enjoy my time when I go out. I feel quite cheap when encompassed by this - even though I most certainly am not. All these guys come up to you and you know exactly what they want. It’s a cheap life. My body isn’t for anyone except one person who will respect me. Sexuality is normal here, and to each their own, but I just want to describe the hardship of being here surrounded by all of this when it’s just not for you.
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I feel like I can’t think straight. I can’t even communicate to my loved ones back home because of what’s going on in my head. My thoughts are all over the place. There’s so much information to relay, that I don’t even have the energy to explain anything or talk about any of my experiences. Living here is unexplainable. I’ve been avoidant to those back home that I very much love. It’s like you want to talk to them so very bad, but your energy is sucked out to the point of no return that you go into shutdown mode. I don’t mean any of it on purpose, but it’s just a “consequence” of being here. Eventually something has to give right?
It’s beautiful, let me tell you. It’s authentic here in Bali. Raw. Organic. I love it here. I love sitting down in a random store on the street with the Indonesian people and talking about what it is that brought me here, their upbringing, religion, etc. You really feel at home in this aspect. Bali reminds me a lot of Lebanon in this way. There are a handful of similarities that I have found here, which is why I love Bali despite the other hardships I am facing and have faced and will most likely continue to face until my time ends here. It’s weird to say, but I believe I was here in a past life. There’s something about this place that feels familiar to which I can't pinpoint. Somehow it feels like home.
Bali is a bubble outside the real world. I see it as so far away from everything else. I don’t know how to explain it. It’s like in the Disney TV show Zach and Cody when the ship enters the Bermuda Triangle and it’s a completely whole other life. Or like how in Gulliver’s travels, he enters another realm of the world that no one knew existed. Really no matter how hard I try to convey, words don’t explain it. I’m really trying to give you the best idea given my lack of proper articulation on this matter. I’ve never run into a block such as this before, of trying to process my emotions and formulate cohesive thoughts, and for that I apologize.
To sum up, no matter where I run to in the world, no matter the “fun”, I can never run away from the overarching issue - and that is: having an authentic love.
your friend,
Yasmeena xx
