Letter To My Lover..

I. CONCEPT

Have you ever manifested for pain to overcome you? Because the current pain is not sufficient enough, that you desire the need to feel more? 

 

I had quite literally fallen on the floor. At that instant, I felt defeated. I cannot recall the last time I had fallen, possibly since childhood. Thus, I concluded that this was certainly life teasing me. I just sat there, letting these barriers collapse over me, closing in from all angles. They say when it rains it pours; unfortunate for me, it seemed as though "they" weren’t wrong. 

 

Thankfully, a small inkling of mindful contemplation resided in me for a brief moment. I remembered that this is all just a senseless mind game. I am the controller of my own narrative. I have free reign over my perspective. Gratitude is a powerful tool. I can either choose to see life as the infamous “cup half empty” or put in the effort to find my “cup half full”. To utilize perseverance is a display of strength, and to fall at life is an expression of cowardliness. 

II. CLIMAX

Something is blurred. I can’t seem to recognize you. I thought I knew, but I keep messing it up. I get so excited, excited that you may be close. I build up my love for you, but it keeps getting misplaced. Every time I go to uncover your mask, it seems not to be you. Many others mimic you, therefore I feel like I’ve come close, and then I mistakenly give myself up to them. I know nevertheless, that when I really do find you, I will know it is you. There is no mask strong enough for you to be hidden from me. As close as some of these demons prevail in deceiving me and making me believe they are you, I will always uncover the truth. The truth is, I have not found you yet. I know you’re looking for me too. I feel it. There’s a tugging at my heart. Are you in another lifetime? A parallel universe? Am I looking in the wrong place? Should I wait for you to find me? I can wait, but I’m also petrified to lose you again as I feel myself being close to discovering you. My soul remembers you, but sadly I cannot. The magnetism, the energy is there, but it feels like lights bouncing off a mirror that can’t escape to the other side. This body of mine, this “Yasmeena” cannot seem to figure it out. She’s been looking, she’s been trying to help me find you, so that we can unite our two souls into a single spirit once again, but I think you’re hiding unintentionally. I fear the same to be happening to you my love. I fear that others’ masks bombard you, but then I shake myself. I'm jolted into having faith that you’re uncovering their truth as well. 

 

This body is breathing, but I am not. 

 

I’m scared that I am trapped in this lifetime without you…

 

III. RATIONALE

The thing is, I should not look so hard to where I forgo fragments of myself in the process. I’ve exhausted searching for you. You’ve scorched me with all this hide and seek and such games. I’m relentlessly torn as I feel like I want to live for myself and oppositely I feel like I have to live for you. Consequently, what I propose we do in the meantime my love, is that I become better for you. I become the woman that you had before, the soul that encompassed you, the energy that loved you. I will grow in this lifetime just to hopefully find you in the next. I will better myself, but I also won’t stop searching, no matter what timeline or universe. My twin flame, I tell you that you will see a clearer, grander version of me. To love you fully, I must love myself. I used to blame you for leaving me, as we were formerly married as one. Instead, I now thank you, because you’ve given me the opportunity to grow, to let this body and mind flourish. I understand now, as profound as our love may be, sometimes we must part ways in order for our souls to mature over the course of this eternity. You’ve allowed me to appreciate every second of this life sequence, although each experienced alone. 

IV. PASSION

Some people make fun of me for being out of consciousness for hours on end. They ask me how I’m able to remain asleep for so long. 1, 2, occasionally 4pm. Well, my love, the simple truth, is that I’d rather be in the dreamworld than wake up to this reality without you in it. 

 

I fear that you are unable to reach me elsewhere. 

 

I feel your presence, but you’re confined. I will help you. I will find you. I will find you because I miss you. I miss the way your energy makes my energy tingle. I miss your smell, the way you taste. Mostly, I miss the way you complete me. So I will find and unshackle you, and in the process, you will destroy away my chains, the ones holding back the flood of love I possess for you. I’ve been waiting to break free and give everything I have, but you’re missing from me. I will search all the stars in the universe for you. I will find you. Even if it takes all of eternity, even then, I will not stop. We will live several times, we will laugh, we will cry, but most important: we will love. For there is no greater power on this earth. This portal woven by space and time is no match for us. I will grow to surpass this physical illusion to see you again. It is not out of selfishness, but out of necessity that you are mine. For there is no one that will bridge the piece of your mystery except me, and mine; you. 

 

We will embrace each other once more, if not in this lifetime, the next, if not on this plane, then another. You will return to me. In any version of reality, we will find each other, because our love cannot contain itself. It is a vast ocean, where each drop is a memory. I can’t wait to meet you again, for the first time. “I am homesick for a place I am not sure even exists. One where my heart is full. My body loved. And my soul understood.” -Melissa Cox

Love you for always, 

        Love you forever,

                Yasmeena.